Life as it is

Every day, I am learning new things about life. The thing which always puzzled about me was that why I get week knees so often with no apparent reason. I deduced from my experience that I give more importance to people with whom I interact, I just focus on that person and forget about myself. My experience, age, achievements all go for a toss and there in front of others I am completely focused on controlling them with what I can pull. As per my nature I value honesty too much and (damn, sometime I regret it) I simply am a pathetic liar. Positive side of this is that I get trust from people of being a good and sensitive guy. But what the hell, this is not going to stop when I stand in their run; they all feel not a pinch when they toss me away. I agree I am down-to-earth; I attach myself to my belongings, my friends and my past. So, I need to learn some Buddha’s teaching of moderation and letting go any want of worldly things. But the most important thing I desire is trust from everyone I meet. This sometime makes me look too naive or simple with no air of attitude. Some of my college friends told me that I don't of any attractive personality and I am hardcore idealist. But then I am learning moderation, and I find myself always doing the balancing act in any confrontation between my friends.
So, what did I learn from my upbringing by idealist parents? My mother is a religious lady and has a rebellious streak but keeps it in control and normally throws her tantrums in home only. My father is socially a nice guy but has very less time for his family. Also, I never felt that he is part of our family at all. Though when I was young (I am youngest in my family), I used to love my father and used to think that I will also become a doctor like him. But soon reality dwelled on me and me and my elder brother decided that whatever happens we will never ever go to medical profession. Yes, I hate this profession. People who love this normally give a very lame argument that they want to serve the society but they are really dreaming. Its materialistic society and being doctor is your job that will give you yours livelihood. You will sometime save lives, you may help somebody to regain their health but truth is you are getting paid for it. Sometimes you may provide your services for free but it will always be rarity, not the norm. So, how people will see you?

When being doctor was a novelty as there were very few educational institutes and also people were not that financially strong, people regarded medical profession as sacred. Though doctor's life is same as it was, they do the same thing though load might have become more; people's perspective about this profession has completely changed. In past, getting medical care itself was a prized service. Most of the towns, cities were not having doctors and people regarded themselves as they regard many other rare things. Respect was attached to this profession as life saving and health benefits were also novelty. Now, doctors are in every street. Though, ratio of number of doctors and population in India is still pathetic compared to any developed nation but now people don't see doctors as rare species. Professionalism and business sense has also crept in the medical services, thus you have so many nursing homes, hospitals owned by business families only for monitory reasons. They still emphasis that main motive is social service but everyone knows that this is far from truth. Doctors are regarded in same way as salesman selling their services, and Indians have little narrow vision for service providing people. Thus, doctors are clubbed in as same as teachers, servants and stage performers. Though they all are very different professions but Indian social mentality forgets the differences completely and put them in same bucket. On the same note teaching profession has also suffered the same fate as medical. Now, doctors are considered as they doing their work because they are being paid for it, negative impression has become more prominent.
My father has made his career completely on his own. He didn't have big support from family as family itself was fighting for its survival. He lived in an orphanage as my grandfather had died when my father was 11 years old. As for numbers, family was huge with four sisters and three brothers. Elder brother of my father had to stop his education and start working as peon (its lowest level in government offices). My father and his younger brother were put in orphanage as family was not able to afford their care. My father's elder brother then fought hard with his work and study, after some years he was able to complete his school and moved in for teaching. My father had a good education record and he was a merit holder in secondary board exams. My grandfather had died because of TB, lots of booze and no medical care, so my father had decided that he will become doctor and stay in his hometown. He got in medical college and with some hiccups was able arrange some financial support through scholarships. He finished his MBBS and started his practice. Money was always a sore point for family at that time. Also, with this kind of harsh beginning no one can expect my father to be very sensitive, he never had much experience of family so he treated and treats his family as he treats others. He used the same scale to judge us, his children, as being used by outsiders to judge us; "You need to perform and show your value to get any recognition". There was no support except some critical comments. We (my brothers and I) always were got criticism from him for anything we did. As he believed in old Indian philosophy of pointing out only negative things for perfection, he followed it to the hilt. My eldest brother broke down first; he was put in military school to chase my father's dream of air force pilot. After rigorous ragging, brother lost the stream and came crashing down, running from hostel and making hell of his exams record. My father, never got any sympathy, so, he never showed any and kept on pressing hard my eldest brother to the cliff, from where he fell down, never to stand again. My eldest brother, with some years delays, finally able to clear his school but had a depression problem to carry on. My second elder brother, who dreamt initially of becoming an ace pilot was chasing my dad's other dream of making him a doctor to carry on his practice. Second brother was lucky enough to get some support from teachers in his early school life and when he finally finished his school with great colors, he rebelled. He went for engineering, not because he loved it but for getting away from medical profession. As for his poor fitness, going to army was not an option. When I was in school, everybody expected me to become doctor as I was the last hope for my father to carry on his practice. But I hated it as I said previously. For me, being doctor was never an option. I loved the sky, stars and rocks floating around in vast space. Father considered as a waste of time. Though my teachers also supported my interests but they can't be part of my family duel. So, my astronomy books and notes usually came under scissor and discouragement. At that time my second brother had already got in engineering college, so, I thought that’s the way out. I was not so great in studies but managed fairly. After schooling, I had to drop one year as I was not able clear entrance exam for engineering just after my schooling. I was not staying with my parents, so that was ok, though my uncle was always there to keep my father's tradition of criticism. I was aiming for aerospace and was afraid of getting good rank in entrance exam which may give chance to my father to push for some of his doctrine. My father now had to compromise as he had realized how much we hated doctors. My tutors were left wondering when I told them that I don't want higher ranks. They considered me as some nerd as I was good in numbers and physics. Somehow I was able to scrap through the entrance exam and got call from some of the best engineering colleges and there I did one of the many blunders in my life. To give me support in my blunder, my father was there with me. I chose other engineering stream, instead of aerospace as per my brother's misinformation about aerospace's prospectus. I pulled myself miserably through four years of engineering. Best part of all this was that I was having some close friends who with their different upbringings had complete different views about life. In last year of college, due to one of my senior's encouragement, I went for an entrance exam for management. Again, I was able to scrap through that exam and went to one of the most prestigious institute. Irony was that I was not aiming for that institute and was aiming for another institute with less rigorous academics, I faired poorly in interview for that institute. So, next 2 years, again I spent wondering about what is life and all that stuff. I simply was and am careless in my academics and my record shows that. I always found myself doing something I don't like. Astronomy was one pet hobby which survived my father's criticism and I still carried it with wherever I went.
I inherited my father's way of judging everyone with the results. Intentions, faith, optimism were not part of my outlook. And most criticized subject of my scrutiny was always me, myself. It gave me lots of doubts about being me and my capabilities. Good thing was I also inherited my mother's rebellious streak. I put myself down (no need for others) but still I continue to fight, keep on stretching myself. Though I try to keep myself calm but I panic normally when given of lots of time to decide. In new and changing conditions, I find myself without fears and lesser doubts. Give me more time, I will go down the well; ask me instantly, I will be hold on to myself. My most of achievements were mainly due to my short jumps only. I am so good at putting pressure on myself that other pressures seem minute. So, now I have so much experience in working under pressure.
From the recent experience, I finally realized that judging by results is good, rational and right way but right intention is also important. Truth is in public you will be judged by results only but in your private circle, it’s the right intention which is more important. I still have a long way to go in changing my outlook but as I am, I can't stop. Family is there for emotional support only and without it you become a ruthless machine. Machine may function with complete rationality, but human mind with its imaginations stay full with doubts which choke its function. Rationality helps in finding the right path but emotional support is needed for the courage to walk on that chosen path.
"Have the right intention and honesty, judge yourself in terms of this, leave the results for others. Love your family and friends which keep you going. Love everything there is, not what is not and work for what you dream to get. There is no way down other then your self-loathing, so cheer up and keep running."